- What to do if you think your partner is texting or messaging someone else
- How to Text in a Healthy Way
- Texting Do’s and Don’ts in Relationships
- Signs Your Significant Other Is Texting Someone More Interesting Than You
- My Boyfriend Is Texting Another Girl (What Should I Do?)
- Signs He’s Texting Another Girl
- He’s Alwayson His Phone
- He’s BecomeProtective of his Phone
- What to do If Your Boyfriend is TextingAnother Girl
- ApproachHim About it
- Don’t GetMad With Him
- End theRelationship
What to do if you think your partner is texting or messaging someone else
1. Choose your time You’ve just found an incriminating text and someone might be more than a friend or colleague. You’re frightened, angry and devastated.
This is the worst time to confront your partner because you’ll find it hard to listen and process what they are saying. Worse still, you could start crying and they will try and appease (rather than be honest) or you could lose your temper and they’ll walk away or shut down.
So take a while to process everything, calm down and then pick a time when you can both talk.
2. Don’t lay down the law Your goal is for your partner to realise that they’ve overstepped a boundary and decide to end it for themselves. Banning them or shaming them into stopping all communication just drives the behaviour underground.
3. Ask questions Rather than describing the problems or your upset, ask open-ended questions.
For example: ‘Why have you texted him/her so many times in the last week?’, ‘How many of your other friends have you texted that often?’ or ‘What effect is this having on our relationship?’ By contrast, closed questions ( ‘don’t you agree that it’s wrong?’) which are leading and can only be answered ‘yes’ or ‘no’ will have them justifying their behaviour to you rather than thinking about the implications of it.
4. Listen It is going to be really hard but instead of debating with your partner or telling them they’re wrong, don’t interrupt, but nod and encourage them to say more. You need to assess the damage – otherwise you can’t find a way forward.
5. Talk about the underlying problems In most cases, if your partner is texting someone else, it is a cry for help. They are unhappy and don’t know how to solve it or they think they won’t get a fair hearing if they tell you about it. So find out what’s been going on – in the rest of their life – and what about your life together isn’t working.
My guess is that you’ll have another take on things and after listening patiently and understanding, it’s your turn. With both of your opinions on the table, you can start to negotiate a way forward. Furthermore, by following these five steps, you will not only have improved your communication but laid the foundation for turning your whole relationship around.
Do you want to improve your relationship? Our new Life Labs Practical Wisdom online course entitled 'How to Save Your Relationship' gives you the tools and insights to singlehandedly change your relationship for the better. Find out more about how the online course could help you here, and sign up below to receive a free three-day trial, special limited launch price and more free articles and videos on how to save your relationship.
Andrew G Marshall is a marital therapist and author of My Husband Doesn’t Love Me And He’s Texting Someone Else (Marshall Method Publishing, £12.99)
How to Text in a Healthy Way
We have all heard the saying, “a watched clock never moves.” But, in this day and age a more accurate statement might be, “a watched smartphone never pings.
” Seriously, there is nothing more anxiety-provoking than being “left on read” when you text someone—unless maybe it is seeing the text bubble that someone is typing and then never actually get a response.
In fact, countless studies have shown that texting can create a great deal of anxiety.
Research also suggests that texting has the power to both help and hinder your relationships. Whether you use texting to keep in touch or you use it to avoid difficult situations, texting is both a good thing and a bad thing. In other words, texting has the power to bring people closer together or to create distance depending on the underlying motivations of the people doing the texting.
When it comes to relationships, researchers have discovered that it's not how often people text one another that matters, but how “text compatible” they are.
Scientists also have discovered that aside from being a functional way to communicate, texting also allows people to escape their present situation. People text because they are bored or because they feel it is a better way to express themselves than talking on the phone or in person.
But, there is a risk that texting could become a crutch too. And, when this happens it becomes a barrier to creating meaningful relationships with other people. Additionally, texting all the time can come from a place of loneliness, which only exacerbates the issue by further alienating and isolating the texter.
As mentioned previously, texting in relationships have the power to be a good thing. But, issues crop up when it becomes your main mode of communication. Too many times there is a lot of miscommunication and misperception that takes place as a result. When this happens, it can alter the entire course of the relationship. Here are some ways in which texting impacts relationships.
It stands to reason that texting a compliment, a funny meme, or a positive comment, will make the person on the other end feel closer to you and more satisfied with the relationship.
Consequently, be sure you are regularly sending encouraging notes to your partner and not just texts to pick up milk or texts asking where you are having dinner or what movie you are seeing.
Anytime one partner texts the other excessively, this is a warning sign. For instance, texting non-stop could indicate that the partner is clingy and needy and feeling insecure in the relationship. While this is usually only harmful to the person doing the excessive texting, it can be smothering to the person on the receiving end.
Additionally, you want to link yourself with someone who is secure in who they are and does not need you to give them worth or meaning.
Other times, excessive texting is an early warning sign of digital dating abuse. Excessive texting, especially when it involves demanding to know where someone is, who they are with, and what they are doing, is controlling and abusive.
If you are in a relationship with someone who texts excessively or aggressively, you may want to distance yourself from them.
While you might think that sending sexy messages, nude photos, or sexts in a relationship helps spice it up and keep things interesting, research has shown that relationships involving excessive sexting usually experience more conflict.
The partners also were more ly to be ambivalent about the relationship's long-term potential and report lower levels of commitment and attachment. A sexy picture or note every now and then is totally fine if it is consensually sent and received, but avoid sending these types of messages in excess. In-person intimacy is always a better option.
People are constantly sizing up one another's behavior, and texting is a primary way in which you can begin making evaluations about the relationship early on. And when you just start seeing someone, their texting habits can be both intriguing and baffling at the same time. Here are some common mistakes people make when texting in relationships.
If there is a problem in the relationship, you should never try to resolve it all through text messaging. Texting is not a conflict resolution tool. Instead, arrange a time to talk to one another in person.
By doing so, you will have a much more meaningful conversation because you will be able to see each other's expressions and hear each other's tone of voice.
These things are vital parts of healthy communication.
When you are using text messages to communicate about sensitive issues, there are too many risks that things will be misinterpreted.
One or two questions shows that you have interest in a person. But asking too many questions can start to feel an interrogation. And when this happens, the person the receiving end can start to feel defensive. Try to limit your questions to just one or two. There will be plenty of time to ask questions in person as the relationship progresses.
Generally speaking, your texts should not be too long. Ideally, you want to keep their length to about that of a tweet. Sending long texts can be annoying to the people on the receiving end, especially if they are busy at work or trying to complete a project.
That being said, there are circumstances in which more in-depth conversations can be had over text, just make sure you aren't relying on text messaging as your primary form of communication.
Don't text when you're angry should go without saying. Yet many people still make this mistake. If you are angry or you just had a disagreement, put your phone down.
Not only will you probably regret what you type, but there is also no way your text is going to be interpreted the way you want it to be.
So, take some time to cool off and then speak to one another in person to resolve the issue.
When it comes to texting friends and partners, it's important to be respectful of their schedules. You should do your best to refrain from sending text messages super early in the morning or late at night. While many people keep their phones on silent while they sleep, it's more considerate to wait until regular hours to send someone a text.
It is your “texting compatibility” that actually predicts relationship satisfaction. In other words, when both partners approach texting in the same way in the relationship, they make for a happier couple.
Not surprisingly, text messages from someone who texts in the same ways you do and who s to catch up at the same rate and pace you do will be welcomed in your inbox. But if you are partnered with someone who texts too much, or even too little, you will eventually become annoyed. Here are three telltale signs that you and your partner are text compatible.
It doesn't matter whether you type long paragraphs to one another or you type a few short sentences, as long as they are roughly the same, you are compatible. Meanwhile, there is nothing worse than pouring your heart out in text and only getting a one or two-word reply in response. wise, if you prefer short text messages, receiving a long text can be annoying.
In the beginning stages of a relationship, couples are hyper-aware of who initiates each text. So, as the relationship progresses, if one person initiates all of the contact it signals that there is some texting incompatibility present. Ideally, both partners are initiating contact with equal frequency. It's when they are unbalanced that there is a problem.
This type of texting is the equivalent of small talk. You text each other just to say hello or to check-in and see what the other person is up to. Or maybe you text one another funny memes or links to interesting articles. When this type of texting occurs in a relationship, it is actually a positive sign and a good indicator of overall relationship satisfaction.
If you are frequently disappointed in the way in which your partner responds to you via text, then you may want to take some time to talk about it.
Although discussing your concerns won't necessarily bring about changes, you will at least gain a better understanding of where your partner is coming from as well.
This way, the next time you get a text that irritates you in some way, you will understand the motivation behind it and not take it too personally.
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Roberts JA, Yaya LH, Manolis C. The invisible addiction: cell-phone activities and addiction among male and female college students. J Behav Addict. 2014;3(4):254-65. doi:10.1556/JBA.3.2014.015
Del rey R, Ojeda M, Casas JA, Mora-merchán JA, Elipe P. Sexting Among Adolescents: The Emotional Impact and Influence of the Need for Popularity. Front Psychol. 2019;10:1828. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01828
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Texting Do’s and Don’ts in Relationships
Written by Writer’s Corps member Cara Mackler
We’ve all been there: we get that text that says “k” and enter into a full-blown panic. Why does this one letter give us so much anxiety? That letter, especially paired with the abrupt punctuation, says more than an entire paragraph. It is the universal code for ‘pissed
Signs Your Significant Other Is Texting Someone More Interesting Than You
Find out whether you should be concerned about who your boyfriend or girlfriend is texting. | Source
You two are sitting there, enjoying whatever you two enjoy, or pretend to enjoy, and your significant other's phone beeps at the sound of a text message.
How he or she responds to that “beep” can tell you whether to be concerned or not.
Since you're not an overbearing boyfriend or girlfriend, you're not going to ask who just texted. But as a normal human being, you are probably going to wonder who it is, especially early on in the relationship.
The following are some signs that you may want to pay attention to. These signs can end up allaying or confirming your potential worries. This article will go over:
- When you shouldn't worry about who your boyfriend or girlfriend is texting.
- When to worry about who they are texting.
- What to do if they are texting an ex.
If your significant other shows you their phone, their text conversation probably isn't a big deal. | Source
First, you want to notice their body language: How quickly do they check their phone? What expression is on their face and how long does it stay there? Does it gradually fade after the initial reading or does it stay there as they reply?
It's probably nothing if:
- They maintain the same expression they had prior to the message. If they smile, look at how they are smiling. If you know your significant other, you should know their smiles because, yes, there are varying degrees, and yes, they do mean different things. If it's a generic kind of smile or chuckle, chances are it's just one of their friends or someone completely harmless, or unimportant. You shouldn’t worry unless it’s a sly, secretive smile, and they don’t respond or act skiddish when you ask them who they’re texting.
- They don't respond. If they don't even bother texting back or it's a delayed response, that usually means the person fell under that “unimportant” umbrella. However, depending on their reaction to the text, this could also mean that it’s someone they don’t want to text back in front of you. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re cheating, but it could raise some red flags.
- They don't hide the text. If they don't change their angle to you to prevent you from seeing their phone, then they're not concerned about you seeing it. In that case, it's very unly that they're trying to hide anything from you.
- They let you handle the phone. If they don't have their phone on them when the message comes (it's in the other room, on the table, wherever) and they ask you to bring it to them, that means they don't care if you see who texted them. Furthermore, it probably means they don't have anything to hide. Clearly, they don’t care if you see who they are texting or what the conversation is about.
- They share the message. They openly tell you what the message was about or who it was from. Chances are they won't lie about either. If they do, you're worse off than you thought (sorry).
(Piece of advice): Just about everyone is texted by people who vent to them about someone or something.
As a natural reaction, the person who's on the listening end will usually relay what they're hearing to someone else (you, if you're around), not only to help make better sense of it but to also tell a story (it gives them a chance to play all-knowing therapist—a role we all love).
I can't even begin to tell you how many times, after about six or seven message exchanges between an ex-girlfriend of mine and someone else, I heard all about it—all about it.
In my experience, girls are much more ly to get texts from someone who just needs to talk. (Newsflash: girls to vent to girls about other girls, and guys open up to girls much more than they do their bros).
And that's usually all it is.
So guys, be patient and don't take it too much to head. And if your girl wants to confide in you about the gossip/venting, or whatever the girls call it these days, listen. It's important (to them).
Is that a dreamy, secretive smile on your girlfriend's face after reading an incoming text? That might be cause for concern. | Source
While it's generally best to trust your significant other and not act a jealous fool, sometimes there are some legitimate red flags that come up with regards to their texting habits.
- Their laugh is different. If they laugh, smile, or chuckle in a way that they laugh, smile, or chuckle with you—or used to, anyway—that might be cause for concern. Be careful here though, some people just have a singular laugh that sounds the same for any measure of humor. If that is the case, just give them a pass. Same goes for the type who just laughs at everything because, well, they laugh at everything.
- They ignore you to respond to the text. If they respond to the message in a very focused manner, appearing oblivious to anything else going on, then that is a bad sign. That whole tidbit about keeping their attention or they'll find someone else who will, yeah, those are words to live by in relationships. However, this isn’t always necessarily a reason to freak out. They could be having an intense discussion with a friend or family member. It’s always better to ask than to assume they’re cheating on you. Pay attention to how they respond when you ask them who they’re texting.
- They hide the text from you. Changing the angle of their phone to prevent you from seeing it is a huge red flag. Odds are, they're not throwing you a surprise party.
- They hold on to their phone. Instead of returning their phone to where it was prior (pocket, purse, and so on) they keep it in their hand. Again, this could mean nothing: it could be thoughtless, or they may actually need the phone to check their email or get directions. They could be playing a game or decide to read the news after checking their texts. Or, it could mean something: they may be expecting another reply and are too excited to get it to put the phone down. If you know your partner well, you should know their phone habits. If they are acting in some unusual manner, that could be cause for suspicion.
- They leave the room to text. They text when in another room, then for “some reason,” they stop when you come. Sometimes this is just a simple gesture of politeness. But sometimes, there's another reason behind it. If your significant other is consistently texting in a manner that is covert and secretive, then that's something you need to think about.
- They get anxious if they don't have their phone. If you happen to be holding their phone and they hear it receive a text, they grab for it and appear antsy until they get it, especially if you play the “keep-away” game. That’s when you take their phone and playfully continue to withhold it from them, to their increasing irritation. (Don’t play the keep-away game. It's annoying.) You might be able to see a certain level of discomfort or anxiety on their face when you have their phone. If they never let you have their phone, there's probably a reason. (Really, all it takes is one keep-away game too many and you lose any phone-holding privileges. Or, they just have something to hide. That could be the case, too.)
If one of the above things happen, you can try to divert their attention with questions or conversation. If their body language is passive and disinterested, that may be a sign that they're simply talking to someone more interesting than you, which, sadly, could really be no one's fault but your own.
Is he texting his ex? Some people have great relationships with their former partners, but in some cases, it might raise some red flags. | Source
What if you find out it’s an ex they're texting? In that case, and in my opinion, it is entirely appropriate to ask what the ex is talking to them about and why. But keep in mind that how you ask is super important.
Ask genuinely and from a place of curiosity, not aggressively you're accusing him or her something. If you approach the situation with an open mind and light-hearted attitude, you’re much more ly to get a positive reaction from your significant other.
Believe it or not, some people are still friends with their exes and still do text them from time to time. And believe it or not, it can mean absolutely nothing.
If, for some reason, you feel your significant other may still be tied to a particular ex in some way, then by all means, talk to your partner about it and make sure you are both on the same page. Remember: In any scenario, your approach is everything.
There's no foolproof method to determine if the person they're texting or the subject of those texts is actually a threat to you or your relationship—not without snooping, at least, which I do not recommend.
Honestly, if you're in a relationship where you worry that much about who they're texting, then maybe you two are in the wrong relationship. Or, maybe you just need to get over yourself and stop worrying so damn much.
If in your heart of hearts it’s actually starting to get to you and make you genuinely wonder, it's much more productive to make them aware of your concerns and try to talk about it.
Then you have their attention and you can sit down and have an adult conversation about what exactly is bothering you and why.
But resort to that sit-down only if it's a recurring issue that you believe is a legitimate cause for concern. Chances are, it’s not.
Be smart, and most of all, trust your partner. At the end of the day, they’re with you, not the person they’re texting. Don't let the simple human nature of insecurity-based jealousy get the best of you. Because when it does, it prevents you from offering your best to your significant other. And that’s unfair to both of you.
My Boyfriend Is Texting Another Girl (What Should I Do?)
The guide below features some general tips on how to handle the situation when your boyfriend is texting another woman.
However, the truth is: it can be hard to know exactly what to do unless you’re fully aware of what has been going on.
In many cases, a woman will only know what her boyfriend is willing to tell her. It’s then up to her to decide whether her man is being completely honest.
This tool should help you to make a better-informed decision. It can run a discreet background check on your boyfriend, revealing a ton of information about what he’s been getting up to when you’re not around.
The check includes information about smartphone apps he’s downloaded, online accounts he’s created and who he’s been frequently contacting. What’s more, it only needs a few of his basic details to generate this for you.
With this information to hand, you’ll be in a better position to decide whether your relationship is worth saving.
Signs He’s Texting Another Girl
If you’re not sure whether or not your boyfriend has been textinganother girl, the following signs could indicate that he’s being unfaithful toyou by texting someone else, helping you to decide how to handle the situation.
He’s Alwayson His Phone
When you’re spending quality time with your boyfriend, it’s onlypolite for the both of you to put your phones away and focus on each other –especially in a new relationship.
If you and your boyfriend try to avoid going on your phones whenyou’re around each other, but your boyfriend is suddenly glued to his phone,getting notifications every two minutes, and smiling at the texts he receives,then it might be because he’s texting another girl.
Although it’s never a good idea to jump to conclusions – especiallywhen it comes to accusing your boyfriend of being unfaithful to you – it’sworth noting his change in behavior so that you can keep an eye on it if itcontinues, especially if he’s showing other signs that he might be textinganother girl.
He’s BecomeProtective of his Phone
Has your once chilled-out boyfriend suddenly become incrediblyprotective and secretive when it comes to his phone? Then you might have areason to worry.
Unless it’s coming up to your birthday or Christmas, when he mightwant to stop you from finding out about your surprise gift, then your boyfriendsuddenly becoming protective over his phone might indicate that he’s gotsomething – or someone – to hide.
Whether he’s started taking his phone to the bathroom with him,leaving it face-down on the table when he’s with you, or turned his phone onsilent – a change in behaviour around his phone might give you a reason toworry about – and question – whether or not he’s being faithful to you.
It’s a horrible feeling when you think your boyfriend might bebeing unfaithful to you, but it’s important not to jump to conclusions a change in behaviour, otherwise this might actually end up ruining yourrelationship.
However, if you have reason to suspect that he’s texting anothergirl, and you’re sure you’re not just being paranoid, then it might be worthtaking our advice below and talking to him about the situation in order to saveyour relationship.
What to do If Your Boyfriend is TextingAnother Girl
If you’re positive that your boyfriend is being unfaithful to youand texting another girl, then you need to decide how you want to approach thesituation. There are a number of different ways you can deal with it – andcertain things you should avoid when trying to approach your boyfriend abouthis micro cheating.
The following tips will help you to talk to your boyfriend aboutwhat’s going on, helping the two of you to bring up any issues in yourrelationship and work through them together if you think your relationship issalvageable.
The way you approach him about it will depend entirely on therelationship between the two of you – whether you’re both straight-talking andhonest, or volatile and hot-headed, so it’s important to approach him in a waythat suits the both of you in order to get the best end result from yourconversation.
ApproachHim About it
If you’re the kind of couple who are generally open and honest witheach other, then the best way to sort out the situation – and salvage yourrelationship – is to approach him about it.
Even if you’re one hundred percent sure that he’s been textinganother woman, there might be a completely innocent explanation for it, such astexting a female colleague, an old college friend or his female cousin – justbecause you’ve seen a woman’s name on his phone, it doesn’t necessarily meanhe’s been cheating on you.
By talking to him about it, you’re giving him the chance to give you his side of the story and comeclean to you if he has been texting another woman.
However, if you know forsure that he’s been being unfaithful to you and he point blank denies it, thenyou’ll know your boyfriend can’t be trusted and you’ll have to decide whetheror not you want to stay in a relationship with him, as once the trust has gone,you’ll always feel on edge when you’re not with him.
However, it’s also important to bear in mind that when you decideto approach him, you’re going to riskhurting his feelings and making him think you don’t trust him – especially if he’s been completely faithful to you.
Therefore, it’s best to make sure you have avalid reason for accusing him of texting another girl before you talk to himabout it, and that you’re not just feeling insecure in your relationship, asthat’s a completely different issue for the two of you to sort out.
But if you know for sure that he’s been texting another girl, thenthe best way to salvage your relationship is to talk to him about it before hegets in too deep.
Although it’s never okay to be unfaithful in a relationship,he might have his reasons for texting another woman, such as feeling insecurein the relationship and needing a fallback option, so giving him the chance toopen up and talk to you about will allow the two of you to work through your issuestogether, without ruining your relationship beyond repair.
Don’t GetMad With Him
It’s human nature to get angry when someone you love hurts you, butas awful as it is to find out that your boyfriend has been texting anothergirl, it’s important not to explode at him about it the blue. This isespecially important if you’re not one hundred percent sure whether he hasactually been speaking to another girl, and you’ve just got a sneakysuspicion.
Getting angry with him from the off will put him on the defence,making him more ly to either lie to you about it, or start shouting back atyou – meaning the two of you won’t resolve the situation and actually riskmaking it worse.
So if you feel as though you might not be able to keep your cooland avoid an argument, then it might be best to wait until you’re feeling alittle calmer before approaching your boyfriend about texting another girl,otherwise you’ll both just end up shouting at each other and never actuallysorting out your issues.
However, if you don’t think you’ll ever be able to calmly approachthe situation then it might be worth trying to approach him in a different way,such as writing him a letter, or talking to him about it in public, whereyou’ll be less ly to lose your temper.
As hard as it might be to admit to yourself that your relationshipis over, it might be for the best if you catch your boyfriend texting anothergirl – especially if it’s not the first time.
If your boyfriend has been unfaithful to you in the past and you’vestill given him another chance, then catching him texting another girl iscompletely heartbreaking. However, it does prove that your boyfriend doesn’t respect you, he won’t ever change and he truly can’t betrusted – meaning you should value yourself, break up with him and go and findsomeone who truly deserves you.
But before you go ending a long-term relationship, you need to makesure your boyfriend has definitely been texting another woman and it’s not justa hunch you’ve got.
Whether a mutual friend has told you that he’s been chatting toanother girl, or you’ve seen explicit messages on his phone – you should onlyconsider ending the relationship if you’re completely sure that he’s beenunfaithful to you, rather than breaking up with him because of a sneakysuspicion – otherwise it’s something you might grow to regret.
So whether you work through your relationship troubles together, ordecide to call it a day, it’s important to make sure you approach yourboyfriend if he’s been texting another girl to give the two of you a chance towork through it together.